How To Tame A Woman

Women are like dogs.

This is not meant in any derogatory sense whatsoever (dogs are great!), it just means that just as there are no bad dogs, only bad dog owners, there are no bad women either, just bad husbands who don’t have a clue how to treat a woman.

To have a happy dog, you need to spend some serious quality time with it. You need to enjoy doing things with it, and to show it lots of affection. You also need to truly appreciate its willingness to assist you in all the ways it is capable of. If you aren’t all that interested in dogs and don’t really enjoy the company of a dog and don’t even have any use for a dog’s assistance, why would you even get one in the first place? It will only make the dog feel unfulfilled and miserable, and a miserable dog will soon do its best to make your life miserable too!

Replace the word “dog” with “woman” in the last paragraph, and realize every word still holds perfectly true.

Some men think a woman can be treated like a TV. They believe they can turn her on in an instant when they wish to utilize her entertainment functionality, and expect her to stay off and out of the way when they have other things to do.

Sorry lads, dogs don’t work that way, and neither do women.

If you get a dog because you think it would be nice to have someone who is happy to see you when you come home, but don’t otherwise care one whit about it, then you’ll only end up with a miserable and frankly quite useless dog that is not even happy to see you, because it has no fucking reason to be!

Meanwhile, a happy dog who has a fulfilling relationship with Master will sense telepathically when Master leaves work and instantly gets ready for His imminent return. The dog gets visibly excited, because the most important event of the day is at hand – Master is coming home!! Ho boy!!!

Once again, all of this applies equally to women. She has no tail to wag, but a truly happy and fulfilled woman will always greet her Master with a lovely smile and a sammich, which is even better.

So, how do you get yourself one of those happy and fulfilled women?

Most men think there must be something wrong with the one they currently have, she must be malfunctioning or something, because she doesn’t perform as expected. They started out with an adorable specimen who looked upon him with moist eyes, but now she has turned into an evil nagging frigid bitch for some reason. It must be time to return that cold fish to the ocean, right?

WRONG! Nothing could be further from the truth! Your current woman is working precisely as nature intended, it is YOU who are not working correctly! It is YOU who turned an adorable creature into a shrew by not reading the fucking manual! If you fix YOURSELF and change YOUR OWN BEHAVIOR, your woman will start functioning correctly again, automatically! The fault lies 100 % with YOU, and so does the responsibility for fixing it!

Men have power.

You are a man, and the root cause of all your relationship problems, is that you have no fucking clue just how much power you truly have over a woman. This is because men are stronger than women. Not just physically, but mentally and spiritually as well.

This does not mean you are necessarily any smarter than her, or wiser, or more adept at anything. It just means that you are firm and unwavering in your spiritual essence, whereas she is soft and pliable in hers. You therefore have the power to mold her into any shape you desire, and she will easily bend to accommodate your every whim.

So, what happens when an unstoppable force made of fierce willpower (a man) meets a fluffy cloud made of selfless love (a woman)? Why of course, the unstoppable force tears right through the fluffy cloud without him even noticing any resistance! She on the other hand, is deeply affected by the encounter. Her whole existence is thrown into turmoil!

There is nothing she can do against such overwhelming power as yours, and if she is not enjoying the shape you are molding her into, she has but one recourse – to physically remove herself from your circle of influence.

And that’s why the majority of divorces are initiated by women. Not because “too much feminism has poisoned their minds”, but because their men have all but destroyed them (usually just out of simpleminded carelessness), and they are forced to use the only defence they have – escape.

Are you beginning to understand the sheer depth of RESPONSIBILITY that weighs on your shoulders for holding such immense and terrifying power over another being?

Every word that falls from a man’s lips is to a woman as the word of God himself would be to you! She may disagree with you completely, but she cannot undo the sheer power of will with which your opinion is delivered, and thus she will remold herself around it, even when she hates doing so. If you tell her to dance, she will dance, but if she really didn’t want to, she’ll soon hate herself for it. She won’t hate you, she will hate herself, because you are recreating her and molding her into a shape she doesn’t want to be in. No-one likes being what they do not wish to be, but you are doing just that to her, over and over.

And that is what eventually turns her into an evil nagging frigid bitch!

Men are normally blissfully unaware of the powerful disruptive influence they can have on a woman, at least until it reaches the point where she is no longer capable of having sex with him. She just can’t. Then he at last notices something is wrong, even though he usually has no clue what.

I’ll tell you a little story to hammer home the point:

I recently talked to a little old lady, and happened to mention I was building an aquarium. This made her see blood red, and she went into a frenzy like she was a devout Christian and I just announced I was really into putting my penis in other men’s assholes. The whole idea of aquariums was obviously as deeply wrong and sinful to her as if God himself had declared them to be of Satan, that much was clear.

So I took on my therapeutic hat and talked her through her emotions on the matter. Eventually we reached the core of it, the root cause of her deep aversion towards aquariums.

As it turned out, she had wanted an aquarium herself many years ago, but her late husband had disapproved of the idea. I nudged her to penetrate deeper, and had her remember the exact moment as it happened.

They were having breakfast, and she had suggested that it would look nice to have an aquarium in the living room.

He said nothing in reply, and looked out the window.

That was all of it.

He never expressed an opinion on aquariums whatsoever, and quite frankly I’m not sure he was even listening. He was probably lost in his own thoughts, she said something blah blah blah, and he looked out the window to avoid being disturbed.

But to her mind, the all-powerful Master of her heart and soul had just shown the utter contempt he held for aquariums.

What can a woman do at that point? Well, she can decide, this is it, I will NOT change my opinion on aquariums! And then she can take out a divorce over it. Or, she can do what a woman always does until she can bear it no longer, remold herself around her husband’s will and change her opinion until it fits with his. She did the latter, and reprogrammed herself to hate aquariums for the rest of her life. That way, she saved the relationship, but at a terrible cost to her own sense of self.

Women do this kind of thing all the time!

Every time a careless word falls off your lips, every time she spots a frown on your brow, every time you curve the corner of your mouth. Every single time, she draws some kind of conclusion what that was all about, and remolds herself around what she perceives to be your will. It sounds completely insane from a man’s perspective, but she is a woman, and you did want one of those, didn’t you?

Then learn to deal with it!

You do this by taking extreme caution with what you say and how you react around a woman. Correction: she can see through all your clumsy attempts at pretending, so you better take extreme caution with what you actually feel around a woman, because she will always notice your true feelings (if not necessarily the true cause of them).

The husband to the old lady I just talked of did feel uncomfortable and disturbed by her suggestion to get an aquarium, probably just because he was attempting to have some solitude and drink his morning coffee in peace, but he reacted negatively nonetheless, and she picked up on it instantly. Women always do.

You cannot react negatively to a woman without horrendously bad consequences, not even in the subtlest way imaginable. Your opinion is a huge deal to them!

You have to realize that women are emotionally vulnerable beings that need protection, and there is no greater danger in your woman’s life to protect her from than YOU. No-one else can hurt her as badly, because you are the guardian of her heart. So you must be very careful with how you treat her. Be her Hero, by holding your own inner villain at bay at all times.

The short of this lesson:

There are three phases in an unenlightened man’s married life:

1. Everything seems to be just fine

2. She suddenly refuses to have sex anymore. WTF?

3. Divorce

The relationship can still be saved and transformed into divine perfection, even years into phase 2, if you start doing things right.

Women want to be used.

This is one of those things men have great difficulty understanding about women, because it is so alien to their own perspective on life. But the thing is, women really do want to be of use to others. They crave the opportunity to serve. It is as if there is a hole in them that needs to be filled, and YOU fill that hole whenever you find them useful or pleasing. The greatest gift you can ever give to a woman is validation of her existence, it’s as if you possess the power to give a woman a deep sense of purpose she cannot easily attain on her own. Your validation strengthens her sense of self, and she’ll love you to bits for it.

That’s why a happy wife does so much for her husband and children and expects so little in return. It is never about striving for equality in the sense of a “balanced equation” for her (as it would probably be for you), it is about her feeling fulfilled in her role. If she is fulfilled in her role and feels appreciated for her service and feels deeply loved and respected as a wife and mother, then the “equality balance sheet” can be waaay out of whack, and she’ll never even notice!

So what if her husband is a fat jobless slob and she has to support him by working full time, and then come home and cook and clean the house for him to boot? A woman does not mind such things, AS LONG AS SHE IS FEELING FULFILLED!

This feeling of fulfillment stems from her being seen and appreciated. The amount of work she has to perform has nothing to do with it, the only limit to a woman’s capacity in that regard is the number of hours in a day.

Unhappy women may often complain about a lack of equality in their relationship, but that is simply because they are unhappy and do not feel appreciated, it has NOTHING to do with keeping track of who provided what service to whom, and in return for what!

Women simply do not keep score of such matters! They only keep score of how things make them feel, and fiercely so for that matter. But if their life feels good to them, then it is good, end of story.

Let your wife “slave” away for you if you want to, but never ever look away in shame over your own lack of contribution. Meet her eyes, not ashamed for yourself, but proud of her! Watch her work and admire her openly for her fortitude and skill and creativity! You can certainly offer a lending hand from time to time, it will be appreciated, but it is actually optional.

It’s very important for you as a man to realize this, because the worst thing you can ever do to fix your ailing relationship, is to attempt to do whatever she says you should do. She has no idea what she wants, she is a woman!

If she knew what she wanted, she’d be a man!

When your woman is nagging about you never doing the dishes, then you can do as much dishes as you like, it won’t change squat. She’ll probably just nag twice as hard about the laundry. This is because the words “you never do the dishes” might sound in a man’s mind like “you have to do your share of the dishes”, but it really doesn’t mean that at all. Instead it means “you don’t appreciate me! I’m working my ass off for you, and you don’t notice! Waaaaah!! You don’t love me any more!”

It’s your lack of noticing that is the problem here, not the lack of fairness in an objective sense. If you start doing the dishes half of the time instead of fixing the real problem, then you will likely show even less interest in what she is doing for you, because you think “you’re even” now, so she has no right to complain!

Male thinking…

What does she care about being even? She cares about serving you, and being appreciated for it!

Appreciate your woman when she is doing the dishes, and she will not mind doing them, whether you do your part around the house or not. What you do or don’t do has NO relevance whatsoever to the issue of her happiness, no matter what she says!

In fact, it’s useful to NEVER take what a woman says at face value. She is expressing her feelings, that is all. If you approach everything she says from the perspective of trying to understand and validate her feelings, more or less ignoring the usually misleading surface content, then your marriage success probability just leaped 10,000 %!

Men often think “to serve” means to be a slave, but that is a very distorted perspective. It is a very male perspective on a very female virtue, to be exact. The female perspective is different, because while you as a man are largely lost inside your own inner Universe, and mostly annoyed when you are forced out of it to connect with others, a woman is always deeply connected to everyone and everything around her.

It is not wrong for you to be cut off and isolated in your own mind as you are, that’s the way you have to be to fulfill your purpose and be a man.

But a woman is always part of everything around her in a way you can scarcely fathom, and you need to understand this.

To a woman, the phrase “to serve” really means “to be a part of all that IS and know and live your purpose”. She is always acutely aware of being part of all that is, but she is not necessarily aware of her purpose, unless a purpose is given to her. She has a hard time making out her own thoughts and emotions from those of her surroundings, and that makes life confusing.

The consequences of this intimate female interconnectedness with the Universe are twofold:

1. A woman has access to deep innate wisdom, and has an inherent potential of effortless artistic self-expression and creativity you could never dream of matching. Don’t even attempt to compete with her, allow her to use these wonderful gifts to serve you instead!

2. She is like a ship without a captain, she is severely lacking in the ability to steer her own course, so she needs YOU to fulfill that role. A ship without a captain isn’t sailing anywhere, and a ship that isn’t sailing anywhere is not feeling fulfilled, because it knows it was built for the high seas.

You want your woman to be beautiful and talented, and your woman definitely wants to be beautiful and talented too, so why not make cunning use of your innate power over her to make both your wishes come true? Remember, she is already constantly remolding herself to your demands as she sees them (by interpreting all the signals you give off whether you know it or not). This is already happening, and you can’t change it, so why not take conscious control over the process and send out signals that are actually conducive to some desired goal?

Why not, indeed!

Realize that there is practically NOTHING a woman will not do to please her man, once he has communicated his desire effectively. Some men are naturally skilled in this, and some of them take so much selfish advantage of it it’s frankly heartbreaking to see. Just think about what hoes will do for their pimp…

But male power is not intrinsically evil, you can use your power over your woman for good if you so choose!

You see, you have already torn down your woman over the years by not being sufficiently aware of how you affect her. I’m only suggesting that you reverse this process and start building her up again. It is easier than you think, precisely because a woman will do anything for her man. Think about it: If a hoe can pick up Johns every day to keep her pimp living in style, then – by God! – your woman can become pretty and start feeling good about herself again for you! Never doubt your woman’s ability to accomplish anything you set her out to do!

Now, let’s make her pretty again!

I assume your woman wasn’t half bad looking when you first got her, after all, there was something about her that caught your eye. I also assume she has since let herself go completely, because that’s what usually happens. Since you now know that YOU are actually 100 % responsible for this sad state of affairs, let’s do a quick recap of how you managed to send her signals that instructed her to stop caring about her appearance:

– She asked you which pair of pants to wear, and you grunted unintelligibly and didn’t really look. That signaled to her that her appearance is of no importance to you.

– She showed off her new haircut and you failed to comment positively on it. That signaled to her that you don’t find her attractive anymore.

– She wanted to buy some piece of jewelry, and you grumbled that it was a waste of money. That signaled to her that she is worth very little to you, and you don’t think she’s pretty enough to deserve to wear nice things.

– She asked you to zip up her dress when you were going to a party, and you didn’t take the opportunity of kissing her in the neck as you used to. That signaled to her that you don’t want her anymore.

I could go on and on adding 500 more examples (as could your woman if you were to ask her…), but I’m guessing you got the point already!

So how do you reverse the damage you have inadvertently caused through a lifetime of being a complete doofus?

Simple! You just use your remarkable male brain power to come up with a bunch of little things you can do that will send the correct signal, and then you DO them when opportunity strikes! A few examples, just to get your imagination going:

– Notice something she is wearing. Act spontaneous, as if some detail just caught your eye, and you just can’t help commenting on it. “Oh, I haven’t seen that skirt on you for a while!” It doesn’t even have to be a glowing positive compliment; you are just signaling that you notice her appearance here. This tells her that you do pay attention to how she looks and what she is wearing. That’s all it takes, really.

– Buy her a necklace and drop it in her lap with a casual “I just saw this thing, and I thought it might go with those ear-rings you used to have.” This sneaky statement is just loaded with juicy information for a female brain to chew on! (1) You do value her after all. (2) You do appreciate her wearing jewelry and dressing up. (3) It has not escaped you that she’s not been wearing ear-rings lately. (4) You have noticed she’s been looking like crap lately, and it definitely bothers you. (5) You do actually believe she could be pretty again if she tried. (6) You are considerate enough to tell her all of this in such a veiled and convoluted fashion to not hurt her feelings, etc, etc. She’s going to lie awake at night and think up many more hidden meanings, be sure of it! And no, it doesn’t matter if the necklace doesn’t actually go with the ear-rings. She already knows you’re hopeless with such things! Besides, now she got a reason to get a new dress that goes with the new necklace, and perhaps a pair of matching ear-rings too!

– Grab her butt playfully when she passes you and exclaim “hey sexy!!” Then let her go immediately and just smile disarmingly back at her when she feigns her protestations. This is not to be repeated often mind you, it is the surprise effect you’re after. She will get the signal that you still want her, and the casual and carefree nature of the “assault” will help defusing sexual tension, making her trust you more. You were just acting playfully, not making any demands or expecting anything from her sexually, which makes her able to relax better around you. Did she get all of that information clearly? Why yes, of course she did, she’s a woman!

– When you are cuddling with her, stroke her thigh and moan “mmmm, so smooth!”. Don’t be surprised when she starts shaving her legs again, because that’s clearly going to please you very much. You said so loud and clear.

You should come up with many more similar ideas yourself! Remember, it is not hard to communicate with a woman, she is a natural at picking up any subtle clues you throw at her and figuring out what they mean. And she enjoys doing so!

In fact, it is much better to use subtle signaling to make your desires known than to explain them in detail verbally.

You may sometimes feel like you are being a manipulative asshole when you do these little exercises, that is perfectly normal for a man. But your personal feelings on the matter are irrelevant here, because she absolutely loves the mystery and thrives on the drama this little game creates! She loves the attention you are giving to her! And while she understands fully that you are playing games with her, consciously creating little hints on what direction you want her to move in, she doesn’t mind at all! To her, it only shows how much you care. And -get this- she actually WANTS to go in the direction you are steering her: you’re her Captain after all!

Keep this up for a while, playing a new little “mind trick” on her every other day or so, and she will look absolutely stunning in no time!

Women are creative!

Men are all totally different from each other, some are smart, some are dumb, some are into football, some prefer golf, and some even hate sports altogether. There are lots of typically male special interests, but no two men are into the same things.

Women are much more similar to each other: They all share the same basic female interests. You will certainly find some oddball woman who is into math and dry stuff like that, but I’m going to just ignore such outliers and speak of your basic, everyday woman. The kind you’re most likely to be married to, that’s the kind we’re talking about.

Such a “normal” woman is a sucker for ART and CREATIVITY in all forms!

First (and often foremost) she greatly enjoys the traditional womanly creative arts: cooking, knitting, sewing, home decoration, beauty and makeup, having and raising children (don’t forget the last one, to have children is in many ways the ultimate creative act – you’re creating new people, for crying out loud!).

Second, she enjoys all the more “highly respected” creative arts as well: painting in oil or water, singing and making music, dancing, writing poetry or fiction.

If your woman currently seems to lack interest in, or aptitude for, any of these arts, it simply means she has low self-esteem. Build her up and stimulate her courage, and you’ll soon see she’s just like the rest in this regard – a naturally gifted artist!

Why would you want to stimulate your woman to express her artistic side fully?

Many reasons.

First, she will create some truly awesome stuff that will enrich your life immensely. Second, it’s likely to improve your sex life. Third, to make the neighbors cry their hearts out in envy, because every man wants to have an exciting talented woman, and every woman wants to be one!

But most of all, because it will make your woman happy and content on a level that is impossible to achieve as long as her natural artistic side lies dormant.

If you love your woman, let her be an artist, it’s as simple as that!

But the thing that is important to realize here, is that even though she is 100 % responsible for doing all these things out of her own volition and in her own way, she wouldn’t be doing any of them if you didn’t know how to support her psychologically. Especially not if you were instead counteracting it and suppressing her by giving negative signals towards her creative output and messing her up psychologically. Then she’d be the typical dull and uninteresting woman less enlightened men end up being married to, no matter how promising their woman might have been before he married her. Or she’d get a divorce. Or she’d fucking cut your throat when you sleep!

Well, if you kill a woman’s soul, what do you expect in return?

Your role as a man, is to give your woman the confidence boost and (positive and thoughtful) feedback she needs to do her thing, nothing more. Leave the rest to nature, sit back and be amazed!

Let’s say your woman writes a few verses, and hands them over to you a little hesitantly. You read them and open up your heart to truly absorb the essence and resonate with what she wrote, and then you express whatever comes into you mind without filtering it too much through your male logic. This kind of feedback is most helpful for her, not only because you are showing keen interest in her work and thereby validating it (green light from the Captain!), but because she is in a way always “channeling” when she is creating. She does not fully know where that came from, and there is usually hidden wisdom in it she didn’t think of herself.

You can help her pick out that wisdom! For some reason, it seems to be easier for a man to spot the pearls of wisdom and greatness in a woman’s work. When you do so, you make the act of writing even more profound and rewarding for her. So she gains more courage and writes some more.

Soon she has written a novel, and before you know it, it’s a best-seller. She wrote it all by herself, but it wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t encouraged it!

A few words of encouragement and a little honest interest in her work, that’s all it took!

Brother, that’s the easiest million bucks you’ll ever make!

I am about to tell you something you probably have never heard before, and many readers may not like what I have to say. Be warned, even if you think you like what I’m saying at first, you may not like where it goes from there! But it cannot be helped, I set out to share my hard-won wisdom on the relationship between man and woman, and I’ll stick to the plan and speak until I have spoken. Where you take it from there is up to you.

The thing I’m going to say first, which you might think you enjoy hearing, is that what we might for simplicity term “feminist ideals” lie at the core of all sexual dysfunction. There is actually much good to be said about striving for lofty ideals of equality in many aspects of life, but there cannot be even a trace of such ideals in the bedroom, or your sex life will go to crap!

The fact of the matter is, sex is about the Man fucking the Woman, and the Woman being fucked by the Man. One of them is Yang (active/initiating), and one is Yin (passive/responding). Where’s the equality in that? Nowhere! They are two completely different energies! The cosmic magic comes from the interplay between the different energies, but they are not, and will never be, the same kind of energy! Their roles in the interplay are distinct.

Sex between a man and a woman is thus inherently unequal. Sex MUST BE ALLOWED TO BE unequal. If you wish to compromise on this point and experiment with gender equality in any form or shape in the bedroom, go ahead and knock yourself out. I just hope you’ll remember what I am telling you here a few years down the road, when you’re wondering why life sucks and why you have such a shitty sex life. Perhaps you’ll reconsider then.

You must thus exorcise the demon of gender equality from the bedroom and cast shim back into whatever hell shim crawled out of!

Now where might those pesky gender equality ideals be lurking? In your woman’s mind? Possibly. But they’re actually just as likely to be contaminating YOUR mind as hers! And that’s actually a much bigger problem. If SHE is the one having feminist delusions about sex, it’s not a big problem, because she is Yin and will as we have already seen naturally respond to the correct point of view and adapt to it. And since the correct idea will make her feel better, she will not mind.

But if YOU are the one having feminist delusions about sex, oh Brother, you are in for a rough ride through life!

You don’t think you do? You’re a big boy, a real stud, you know this shit, right?

Well, now we’re getting to the part you probably won’t like to hear…

Many men have the idea that the ideal sex life should include things like the woman sucking his dick, and enjoying it, hell she should practically worship it.

That is pure feminist delusion.

Why? Because that would be the woman doing stuff, and the man lying there and responding. The roles of Yin and Yang have been inverted!

Many people actually do things this inverted way all the time and refuse to see a problem with it. It’s just the modern and enlightened way, where the man and woman take turns fucking each other. They never stop and consider that this “enlightenment” was copied from porn in the first place. Some even go as far as to putting a strap-on on the woman and having her fuck the man in the ass. They claim they enjoy it and have a grrreat sex life.

This is a lie.

How do you know it is a lie? Because you can easily see the symptoms of the dysfunction of inverted gender roles. The first symptom, is an escalating “kinkiness”. This is because all that “grrreat” sex is actually deeply unsatisfying to both parties, and there is a constant search for that “magical special spice” that will make it as good as they instinctively know it should be.

The only magical spice is to revert the gender roles back to their natural default values; man as yang, woman as yin. Then the journey towards a fulfilling sex life can finally begin.

You wish to cling to the idea that your woman should suck your cock like a porn star? Or more generally, that she should feel the same way about sex as you do? That the two of you should “take turns”? Go ahead, waste as many years as you like on your delusion! Hell, I wasted 20 myself on this downhill slope to nowhere, so who am I to judge!

It’s true it doesn’t matter which way you do it sexually on a purely physical level, it tingles nicely in your sex organ either way. But that’s not all sex is about. Sex is a deep spiritual bonding and energy exchange, and if you don’t believe that matters, then I can’t help you. A truly fulfilling sex life in a life-long relationship will stay out of your reach.

If you don’t want to believe it there will be little more I can say to make you change your mind. Life will teach you in the end though. It just takes a lot of time and suffering.

I suspect I just lost quite a few readers by saying this unpopular truth (she’s not there to suck your dick), but for those men who are still with me:

You have gotten this far, which means you understand what sex is about. You understand that the woman is the violin, and you are playing her, she is the field, and you are plowing her, she is the sex goddess, and you are pleasuring her, only thereby pleasuring yourself. You understand that the glorious and most holy centerpiece of your sex life is not your dick, it is your woman. All of her, mind, body and soul! You are already far ahead of the crowd, and I salute you for your wisdom!

I do not need to tell an enlightened man such as you how to pleasure your woman, you already know what you need to know. But I am going to offer some quick advice on how to make her ready to be pleasured.

Acknowledge that your woman has the most difficult role to play.

Sure, she’s “just lying there”, but that’s the superficial perspective. What she is actually doing, is surrendering her entire being to you, mind, body, and soul. Have you ever submitted so totally to anyone?

No, you have not. You are a man, and you are not even capable of such a wondrous feat.

Thus it behooves you to have great respect for just how precious and delicate her act of surrender truly is, and understand that she cannot do it when she is not feeling emotionally balanced and have the fullest trust in you.

And if women have one weakness, it is that they have a hard time fixing their own problems, as a man would see it. She needs your assistance to cleanse the emotional debris a day at work has left her with. You need to listen to her, you need to massage her, you need to soothe her and take care of her until she is ready to surrender. All the time without a trace of expectation of an eventual “payoff”, or the whole exercise will be in vain.

You need to do this for her, not ONLY because she needs to be in a balanced state, but ALSO because you need to gain her trust once again. To gain a woman’s trust is not a one-off affair, it is something you must do anew every time, because her surrender takes place in the eternal now where only the present moment exists.

Now go grab a stool and tame that beast.

The Politics of Anal

anal broccoli

Sexual intercourse is like a game of golf. You don’t have to be good at it to enjoy it, sometimes your balls get wet and every now and again you have to putt from the rough. But a lot of guys don’t know how to properly execute their shots when they’re playing the back nine. It’s not as simple as whacking one straight up the fairway, if you don’t exercise due care and tenderness towards your playing partner than you could end up bogeying hole number two.

And let’s face it – if you smash in a woman’s backdoor and then paint it white on the way out then don’t be too surprised if you’re denied access to the tradesman’s entrance forever afterwards. Butt secks can be one of the hottest, most intimate forms of sexual intercourse. It can also be one of the most painful and embarrassing which is why a lot of women who may in fact enjoy it will run a mile when you start looking for love in all the wrong places. So guard the exit door and try not to lose your shit as this week I educate you on the politics of anal.

 

A HISTORY OF THE ROAD LESS TRAVELLED

dirt road meme

 

Anal sex gets a bad rap and it’s not hard to understand why. It’s been considered taboo for centuries and often considered to foster homosexual tendencies. For thousands of years the Christian church condemned the practice of both oral and anal sex, yet its practice has been recorded and dates back several centuries in cultures worldwide.

Ancient engravings, paintings, and artwork from Asia, Europe, South America, and parts of the Mediterranean depict heterosexual men engaging in anal sex with women. So it’s fair to say that despite the NASA space program only commencing in the 1960’s, human beings have been drilling for oil on the moon for quite a long time.

But what was once considered to be taboo is now becoming quite commonplace amongst heterosexual couples. Since the 1950s rates of heterosexual anal intercourse have increased in the U.S (it’s regularly practiced by approximately 10% of heterosexual couples) and according to the numbers in a new study if you were to count up all of the people having anal sex at one time in the U.S there would be more heterosexual couples engaging in the act than homosexuals. That’s a lot of cars cruising down the marmite motorway on a Friday night.

 

WHY GUYS LIKE RENTING DOWNSTAIRS SO THEY CAN DO SOME UPHILL GARDENING

backstage passes

 

Not all men enjoy making love to a woman whose head is on backwards (usually dudes who are sexually repressed or worried about getting their hands a bit dirty LOL) but for a lot of us it is an incredible turn on; the final frontier of a sexual interaction with a woman. So let’s have a closer look at the psychology behind our desire to dial “O” on the brown telephone shall we? Here are some of the reasons guys are so keen to let the one eyed child spit into the well:

IT’S TABOO

Essentially, men want what they can’t have, and finding a woman that’s willing to give it is a huge turn on. Throughout history, anal intercourse has been known as a sexual forbidden fruit of sorts. This off-limits factor makes it especially appealing to us; the thought of a woman allowing us to put it up her bum bum just seems so deliciously naughty. And we like to be naughty.

IT’S A NOVELTY

As the saying goes “variety is the spice of life”. So the idea of something new and different will be especially appealing and exciting to us. For many men, anal sex is seen as a ‘gift’ from their partners – something rare and special. Who the fuck doesn’t like presents? Personally I’d trade Christmas day for Anal Sex day in a heartbeat. I fuckin hate Christmas haha

IT’S PRIMAL

Anal is all about sex for the sake of sex. It’s purely physical without thought to pregnancy (up the bum no babies!) so there’s something very primitive and animalistic in taking a woman this way. It’s sexual intercourse in its rawest form; where all inhibitions and preconceptions fall away and all that is left is two people going at it like wolves. No wonder guys go a bit nuts when it’s a full moon.

IT’S INTIMATE

Believe it or not, a lot of guys are into anal because on an emotional level it feels really intimate. There’s a lot of prepping that needs to happen, plus a greater level of communication and foreplay involved in the actual act. When a woman allows me access to her no-no spot it evokes a profound sense of love and trust; that her willingness to give all of herself to me and know I won’t abuse that trust connects us on a deeper level that is often the most gratifying part of any sexual interaction.

HE’S AN ASS MAN

You can pretty much split heterosexual men into two groups – tit men and ass men. Some of us sit on the fence and refuse to play favourites, but for the most part we know which group we fall into. There’s not a doubt in my mind that I’m an ass man every day of the week and twice on Sunday’s. Now don’t get me wrong, I love titties, I do. Them shits is delicious. I just don’t feel the deep vibrations between me and baps that I do with me and butts. No matter how salacious or perfectly formed a woman’s breasts are, I can have a conversation with her and never drop my gaze from her eyes once. But when a woman has a nice pair of legs and an onion butt (an ass so beautiful it makes me cry) then I become a slack-jawed yokel; gazing in admiration at that juicy wiggle as it walks off into the sunset.

I like bodacious butts and I cannot lie.

 

 WHY WOMEN LIVE IN FEAR OF BEING ANALLY ASSASSINATED

pussy vacation

 

Conversely, not all women are afraid of making a baby the hard way (with a small percentage who the only thing they enjoy more than a dick in their ass is two dicks in their ass) but for a lot of women it can be frightening – even if they’ve done it before. There are a number of reasons a young lady may be apprehensive at becoming backdoor buddies with her bed partner. Let’s look at some of the main ones:

SHIT ACCIDENTS (AKA SHITCIDENTS)

One time I managed to coerce a girl I was seeing into putting an unexpected item into her bagging area. After the deed was done and I triumphantly withdrew my bald headed yoghurt slinger I realised something was seriously amiss. Sitting on the end of my knob was a hearty nugget of shit. As the foul stench of this egregious example of excrement began to sting my nostrils a look of horror swept over my face. The young lady started to chortle and vindictively crowed “well that’s what you get for fucking me up the arse you dirty cunt!”

Now in this instance I was the one who ran to the shower crying while she laid there laughing like a fuckin drain. But a lesser woman probably would have been mortified and embarrassed by the experience. The fear of a shitcident probably greatly inhibits a lot of women from attempting anal sex.

THEY THINK IT’S GONNA HURT REALLY BAD

On another occasion I picked a girl up at a nite club and took her back to my place. As I fantasised about the myriad of ways I was going to violate this 23 year old nurse with cans the size of ripened cantaloupes my mischievous machinations were brought to a grinding halt. Turns out her parents were extremely strict Catholics (they sounded like fanatics) and the whole sex before marriage thing was a no go; she was a virgin.

Well at least her pussy was anyway. For some bizarre reason these people believe that pre-marital vaginal sex is off limits but bum sex is A-O-K in God’s eyes. But if the front door was locked than the backdoor was firmly boarded shut with guard dogs sitting in front of it waiting to bite my dick off.

Apparently the only real sexual experience she’d had was with some thoughtless fucktard who subscribed to the porno film method of anal sex. Rather than using plenty of lubricant and starting off with a finger and tenderly working his way up to popping her chocolate covered cherry, this clod put a bit of spit on it and basically sodomised her – ensuring the Hershey highway was indefinitely closed for repairs by the time I tried to drive down it. You have a traumatic experience like that and of course you’re going to assume it will be a painful experience forever afterwards.

FEAR OF TEARING OR LEAKING

As per the above, some women are scared that an inexperienced man will thrust his penis in too quickly and tear something up in there. Or their asshole will stretch out so much that their future bowel movements will have the consistency of a McDonald’s thickshake and she’ll need tampons for her mud whistle as well as her fanny.

GETTING HEMORRHOIDS

If you have ever seen pictures of cauliflower butts that gay men get from too much anal sex … not a massive surprise that some ladies would be shit scared (no pun intended) of having that happening to their tidy little balloon knots.

THE MAN WON’T RESPECT HER AFTERWARDS

With some guys being serious assholes (I swear these puns aren’t intended!) I’m sure there would be a proportion of women who fear that once he’s speared her rear she’ll be discarded like yesterday’s newspaper. Even the saying “fucked in the ass” implies some level of debasement; no woman wants to feel degraded while having an intimate experience with a man.

 

DR STRANGELOVE OR: HOW I STOPPED WORRYING AND LOVED GETTING BUMMED

dr strangelove

So there you have it guys, the politics of anal. Like anything in life, toiling at the chocolate coalface has its pleasures and its pitfalls. It can either result in an intensely rewarding sexual experience and a deeply intimate connection with another human being, or it can end up with a woman screaming like a wounded banshee and doo-doo butter all over the sheets.

It’s not going to be for everyone, but it’s definitely worth giving it a shot (in the pooper hehe) at least once – how else will you know whether it’s your thing or not?

For the guys reading this – start slow, don’t be stingy with the lube and be mindful of how your partner is feeling. The truth is a lot of women actually want to try it with you! But you have to take their fears seriously. Unless you assuage their anxiety and make them feel totally comfortable about anal sex, it’s never gonna happen. Be a gentleman and romance their rectums and you’ll be browning your meat in no time.

For the girls reading this – don’t believe all the myths and give penis a chance. Every woman has a little wild streak in them and a desire to be a bad girl. Who wants to always be the goody two shoes? There’s something alluring and mysterious about the dark side, dangerous and edgy. The fact that your tight little back door is “forbidden” and “taboo” makes that wild kinky side come out in the bedroom. Plus, if you’re a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets, your man is going to die of happiness; he’s got the gorgeous, confident, trophy wife to the public and the sexy, wild, mistress-like vixen in the bedroom. Embrace your dark side and give your man a double win.

Because we all win then.

And just remember kids: