If you don’t like music, you don’t have love in your heart. There’s something wrong with you. You could see a doctor, but until we have the medical technology to perform personality transplants or soul transfusions you’re pretty much fucked. So when I meet someone who isn’t passionate about music (and albeit dancing) I instantly feel sorry for them. Dancing is the ultimate form of physical expression outside of fucking. And that can only be done with a maximum of like three other people (maybe a few more if you have a big bag of cocaine and a jar full of Viagra if you’re a male, or a penchant for double penetration if you’re female), whereas dancing can be done in groups of hundreds, even thousands of people.
So what is it that makes us dance? Why are some people naturally gifted while others gyrate like an epileptic adversely affected by strobe lighting? How come some people will bravely sashay onto a dance floor the very first time they go clubbing or go to a music festival, while others will shyly look on, fearful of being judged by the mob if their rug cutting maneuvers aren’t up to scratch?
LISTEN TO THE BEATING OF THE DRUMS
Dance has certainly been an important part of ceremony, rituals, celebrations and entertainment since before the birth of the earliest human civilizations. While Dance history is difficult to determine because dance does not often leave behind clearly identifiable physical artifacts that last over the millennia, archaeology delivers traces of dance from prehistoric times such as the 9,000 year old Bhimbetka rock shelter paintings in India and Egyptian tomb paintings depicting dancing figures circa 3300BC.
Human beings probably danced even before there was a word for it. Rhythmic bodily movement is instinctive. It connects people, even if unconsciously, to the rhythms of nature. Further scientific study indicates that dance, together with rhythmic music and body painting, was designed by the forces of natural selection at the early stage of human evolution as a potent tool to put groups of human ancestors in a battle trance, a specific altered state of consciousness. In this state people lost their individual identity and acquired a collective identity, they became a part of something greater than the sum of its individual parts. I know I often feel the same way when I’ve eaten a bunch of LSD and am working up a sweat with a room full of strangers at 2am in a nightclub. When I dance I become part of the music and the music becomes part of me.
I can almost imagine cavemen from a time before time existed lighting fires outside of their caves and beating on drums while thousands of them move in synchrony to the rhythm of the beat, a prehistoric rave if you will. According to new research, the ability to dance may have also been a factor in survival for our prehistoric ancestors, who used their moves to bond and communicate with each other when times were tough.
A study published in a recent issue of the Public Library of Science’s genetics journal, suggests that, as a result, today’s creative dancers actually share two specific genes. Both genes are associated with a predisposition for being good social communicators.
Scientists believe this gave early humans who were well coordinated and rhythmic a distinct evolutionary advantage. This advantage extended not only to effective communication amongst our species, but also to the man’s ability to hook up with a fine ass cavewoman. Which brings me to my next topic…
EXCUSE ME? DO YOU FUCK AS WELL AS YOU DANCE? ARE YOU AS HOT IN THE BEDROOM AS YOU ARE ON THE DANCE FLOOR?
For as long as dancing has been going on, a big part of the ritual is attracting a member of the opposite sex. Similar to the mating dances of many birds, insects and other animals, humans of both sexes have been using dance to attract one another throughout the ages. I know that there’s nothing that makes my balls wetter than a woman who really knows how to move her ass so I think it’s fairly safe to assume that women feel the same way about men. It seemed to work for John Travolta in one of my favourite films of all time – Saturday Night Fever
Despite coming from a totally different era of night club dancing than myself, I’ve always thought that Travolta was the fuckin man in that scene. First he casts the infinitely fuckable Fran Drescher aside because she’s a total drag to dance with. I can totally sympathise there, when you know how to cut some serious rug the last thing you want is to be weighed down by someone who doesn’t – regardless of how hot they are. Next thing you know the dance floor obediently clears to give him some space to work his magic, based off the dialogue from his friend’s characters he’s been taking the club over like this for months. You can just tell that the beautiful women gazing at him in awe from the side of the floor have pussies so wet you could drown a toddler in their panties.
So why do women find men who can dance so appealing? Certainly there’s a reasonable correlation to be made with the guy’s ability to coordinate his body to the rhythm of the music to how well he’s going to play a woman’s vagina like a violin when they go home together after the club shuts. But there are other more scientific evolutionary reasons as well that need to be taken into account.
According to Dr Peter Lovatt of Hertfordshire University (also known as ‘Dr Dance’) “Beautiful women of high genetic quality with symmetrical features have been shown to innately select men with equally high-quality genetic features.” Other researchers have found that men judged to be better dancers tended to have a higher degree of body symmetry, a factor that has been linked to overall attractiveness and health in other research. The researchers speculate that higher body symmetry might also indicate better neuromuscular coordination. This may influence dance ability since attractive dances can be more rhythmic and more difficult to perform. While most people don’t go around measuring and comparing body parts of potential mates, it’s thought that we pick up on these cues subconsciously. So it seems a large part of it is actually genetic instinct; women (who tend to be pickier than men when it comes to choosing a partner) perceive guys who can dance well as being healthier specimens to mate with than guys who cannot.
24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE
Having been burning the midnight oil at both nightclubs and music festivals for some time now, I’ve noticed all manner of characters that frequent both. Here’s a brief run down on some of the types of people you’ll find reaching for the lasers safe as fuck on any given Friday / Saturday night:
The Person Who Actually Knows How To Dance And Is Making Everyone Else Look Bad (aka the David Elsewhere)
Generally there’s always one person out in the middle of the dance floor who looks like a scene out of a ‘Step Up’ movie. They might be naturally gifted, they might have been honing their craft in the privacy of their bedroom for 15 years but whatever the case they make it all look so effortlessly easy and are a constant source of angst for those too shy to get up and dance and others who give it a go but for whatever reason are about as coordinated as diarrhoea.
Like David ‘Elsewhere’ Bernal:
Nobody really knows why The Chinstroker attends EDM shows, for he has a severe allergic reaction to dancing or enjoyment. He can generally be found standing in the crowd, arms crossed with his hand gently stroking his imaginary beard while he intensely gazes at the DJ. The Chinstroker is an expert at knowing exactly which remix is being played by which producer on which label and is a fountain of knowledge when it comes to electronic music.
Unfortunately all efforts to explain to The Chinstroker as to why dancing is the ultimate form of appreciation for dance music will fall on deaf ears and he will continue his eerie style of silent trainspotting in the middle of the dance floor.
The Aggressive Song Requester
Apparently this person does not own an iPod or have access to a radio, because their one goal in going to a club is to dance right next to the DJ booth, screaming out requests for a particular song over and over and over. The thing that’s weird about it is these people are never requesting tunes that are in line with the type of music that’s being played by the DJ at the time or even any of the track selectors playing that night. It will always be some commercial clap trap that has no place on any self respecting dance floor. Everyone will be grooving nicely to some funky house music while this muppet is screaming for Kesha ‘Tik Tok’ to be played.
Usually takes the form of a fairly attractive 19 year old girl who has an I.Q only slightly higher than her shoe size.
The Couple Who Might Be Having Sex On The Dance Floor
Dancing at a crowded club can be kind of stressful. It’s hot and sweaty and people are throwing elbows and spilling drinks all over the fuckin place. So it can be tempting to spot an empty pocket of the dance floor and move over there to claim it as your own. Beware though, because that corner’s empty for a reason. There’s either a suspicious substance on the floor, or there’s a dude ambitiously finger banging some drunken slart in which case there soon will be a suspicious substance on the floor.
Take pictures to upload onto ‘Embarrassing Nightclub Photos of the Week’ but do so at a safe distance to avoid any ah splashback.
The Roving Grinder (aka the Humpster)
This guy roams around the dance floor, casually bobbing his head to the music in between crudely thrusting his drug fuelled erection into the backside of unsuspecting women on the dance floor. The Roving Grinder is a numbers man, often seeking to set a lewd grinding record until he eventually hits the jackpot and humps some broad that’s had one too many pingers and will actually respond favourably to this kind of reprehensible behaviour.
A true romantic in every sense of the word.