Buying the Cow

buying tha cow

There’s a saying that goes “why buy the cow when you get the sex for free?” Or something along those lines. Well it seems like plenty of people are pretty keen on buying themselves a bovine with a lot of hoo haa recently on the Internet regarding the gay marriage debate. One minute I’m chortling at totally inappropriate memes and the next I’m seeing so many equals’ signs I thought I’d dropped acid at a math convention and was losing my shit.

Oddly enough, I feel the same way about marriage as I do about homosexuality itself – I’m pro-choice. I don’t want to bum you and you don’t want to bum me (you probably do let’s be honest) but I’m happy for everyone else to have the freedom to bum (or not to bum) anyone they choose. So whilst I personally don’t care to be married any time soon, I’m not fussed if other people would like to do so – gay or not. People should be free to do whatever they damn well please as long as it’s not harming anyone else. Hence why I’ve never understood the anger towards gay people, I mean isn’t screwing like one of the only things we can do as humans that doesn’t affect anyone else? How does two dudes doing pushups in long grass or a couple of lesbians scissoring until their thighs chafe affect your life?

I’ve never really understood the big deal behind the ritual of marriage either so I was kinda surprised to see how strongly so many other people on the Internetz felt about this hot issue. So let’s delve into this topic a little bit deeper shall we?

A History of the Ball and Chain

ball and chain

The first recorded evidence of marriage contracts and ceremonies dates back to over 4000 years ago in Mesopotamia (which used to be Iraq before America shelled the joint for its oil). Back in those ancient times the whole idea of marriage was to preserve your family’s power and get some new goodies into the bargain. Kings and other various movers and shakers would marry off their daughters to forge alliances, procure land and produce legitimate heirs. Even amongst the plebs women had little say over whom they married. The main purpose of marriage at the start was for the blushing bride to fart a few fetuses’ out of her womb, as implied by the Latin word ‘matrimonium’ which is derived from ‘mater’ (mother). Marriages prevented just any prick from coming along and asserting rights to the property of a man he may claim to call “daddy.”

But marriage has changed over the centuries, as it should, since it was created to fill a societal need – not a religious one – and marriage must adapt to society’s ongoing needs. Marriage serves society, not the other way around. A new need has arisen in our time – the need for legal, governmental recognition and protection of two people of the same gender. Religion has absolutely nothing to do with that.

Yet the biggest opponent of gay marriage is you guessed it – the church.

Interference by the God Squad

God Squad

The Bible doesn’t approve of the pushing of the poo or drinking out of the furry cup and since religion (Catholicism specifically) has its hooks into the whole marriage deal in a big way, by supporting gay marriage it would seem like they were supporting homosexuality which would in effect contravene their petty beliefs. The worst thing about this is that it wasn’t until the 12th Century that Roman Catholic theologians and writers referred to marriage as a sacrament, a sacred ceremony tied to experiencing God’s presence. So because some deluded old fart decided after three millennia of people marrying that all of a sudden it was an act intrinsically linked with the imaginary friend for adults, Toby and Steve are shit out of luck if they want to be recognised by society as life partners, same for Rhonda and Vivian (token names for homo’s and lesbo’s courtesy of

Pressed on why they believe gay marriage to be wrong, the churchies come at it from a few angles. Firstly, it’s morally wrong. Probably not as wrong as allowing priests to sodomise choir boys for hundreds of years and spending considerable effort in covering it up so the abuse can continue though, huh? For another, it’s against God. What, the same God who made dudes in biblical times kill their sons to prove their belief in him? The same God that will apparently cast me into the fires of hell for eternity because I don’t believe in him, yet will send some filthy paedophile off to heaven for orange mocha frappucinos because he suddenly “finds” God and repents before he croaks? Would be a shame to upset that righteous fellow now wouldn’t it? And lastly, the religious folk don’t agree with homosexuality because apparently it’s “unnatural”. Considering that both humans and animals of the same gender have been fucking one another well before religion came along, I know which of the two I find to be a bit out of the ordinary.

The Human Condition

So why are gay people so keen to get married? I mean sure marriage has a few perks but personally I don’t think that’s what it’s about. It’s more so the human condition of always wanting what you can’t or don’t have. You have a nice Toyota but you’re dying to have a Porsche like your neighbours. You have an amazing girlfriend who loves you but you can’t stop thinking about screwing the arse off her hot best friend. The nice boy who’s keen on you gets treated like his name is Stanley, whereas you’d drop your panties in a second for the rude prick who isn’t interested in you in the slightest.

You can’t have the gay marriage so you want the gay marriage.

What’s so great about being married? It certainly doesn’t have much to do with the pursuit of happiness, my parents have been married almost forty years and they’re fuckin’ miserable! Shouldn’t gay people have the right to be just as miserable? Maybe the term “gay” (which used to mean happy once upon a time) was coined precisely because they were all just having a good old time living in sin and bumping uglies instead of arguing over what to watch on TV and waking up to screaming children on a Sunday morning! Maybe if we let homosexuals marry they’ll no longer be “gay” they’ll be “morose”. “Oh look at that morose couple kissing in public, how disgusting!” “I’m not homophobic at all, I have plenty of morose friends I’ll have you know”. Haha.


So while I don’t actively support gay marriage, I guess being a pro-choice kind of dude I’m for it. Hell, I’m even for marriage with animals and inanimate objects as well. If you want to marry a monkey and have monkey-human hybrid children that you train to be your monkey butlers and serve you cold beverages while you live in the trees, that’s your prerogative. If you want to engage in holy matrimony with a handsome Rhododendron plant and get sap everywhere – go nuts.

Until your chimp bride bites me and gives me Rabies or your plant husband starts shedding leaves on my lawn that I have to rake up, then I’m happy for people to do whatever it is they wanna do.

I say

if it feels good

Raping the Box

humping the tv

Apologies to those of you who thought this was some kind of manual and hit the WordPress link looking to get a shame boner and a few hot tips. My title this week is actually in reference to defiling my other favourite kind of box you perps – the Television.

Otherwise known as the ‘Idiot Box’ for its ability to leave you staring like a Mongoloid for hours on end, I have been watching TV since I was three years old and I love that shit. When I get home the first thing I do before I even take my shoes off and do a wee-wee (unless I’m busting) is turn on the TV. It’s like a trusty friend that keeps you entertained for hours but doesn’t touch up your girlfriend or piss himself on your couch after he’s had a few.

Back in the day here in Straylya, we used to have five lousy channels. You had channels Seven, Nine, Ten, ABC and SBS (and back then you struggled to get SBS off those faggoty little rabbit-ear antennas that sit on your TV, you had to be plugged into the main). We’ve now got like twenty channels on free to air in this country and I must say most of the content defies the laws of physics by sucking and blowing at the same time.

The kid’s shows are made for retards, the news is as well, the clever and amazing shows aren’t aired or only get played at obscure time slots on the minor networks and the totally mundane and mindless drivel that the masses spoont over gets played ad nauseam on the major networks.


One only has to look at the ratings to see where things are going askew. Let’s look at some of the repulsive programming that violates my massive box on a daily basis shall we? These are some of the highest rating programs on TV at present:


Anyone who knows anything about analysing a text knows that the news is like The Bold and the Beautiful – it’s a fuckin’ soap opera brought to you by ‘our sponsors’. Yet unlike B&B the news pretends to be fact rather than fantasy and sadly, most people are sucked in by this deception. And those people are watching so much news! Morning news, afternoon news, evening news, late evening news, sports news, foreign news, news, news!

Once information is transmitted via a medium (like TV), than the integrity of that data is compromised. So you can never get the full picture by watching the news, it will always be somebody else’s perception of what you should see. You’re sitting there thinking this is what’s honestly happening in the world, when really a cameraman has decided to shoot only certain things and the things he decided to shoot are then edited together in a certain way once they get transmitted back to the TV studio.

The news programs that we watch are the most manipulated, choreographed bits of fluffed up pigshit that are on the box today! It’s brainwashing, pure and simple. I get my brainwashing fix from advertising so I give the news a wide berth and have done for a very long time now. I suggest you do the same if you’re watching this palaver.


What the story is with this pathetic excuse for reality TV is beyond my comprehension. My Kitchen Rules was consistently among the highest rating television shows in the past couple of months. Now personally I would sooner use one of Freddie Kruger’s gloves as a butt scratcher rather than watch five minutes of that slop. Talk about mindless. It’s bad enough that women seem to be going for this crap but I even had a male friend on Facebook recently ‘congratulating’ the winners Dan and Steph on their triumphant victory. Jesus H. Christ man! Have you donated your testicles to science?!

Now I’m not even against cooking shows as a whole really, just rubbish ones like My Kitchen Rules and Masterchef that get the primetime slots here. Yeah let’s watch some bitchy couple’s cook for a bunch of other equally whiny duos in their homes so they can anxiously wait for their peers to score their shitty dishes out of ten. Talk about lame.

lame meter

How bout some Gordon Ramsay up in this motherfucker? Gordo is a gentleman and a scholar and an extremely interesting character in his own right. He likes the word ‘fuck’ as much as a real man should, he has an exceptional passion when it comes to food and he has helped a lot of people over the years save their struggling restaurants. I dunno why he gets such a bad rap over here. His two main shows are Kitchen Nightmares and Hell’s Kitchen, both of which have a helluva lot more depth to them than My Kitchen Reeks.

Even when Channel Nine was playing Gordo’s shows it did so for a very short period on primetime and then banished them to crappy late night slots before finally shelving them all together. So much like everything else I watch on TV but not on TV, I have to go to the Internet to hear him call a nervy female line cook a fucking donkey while violently smashing plates down, or screaming at a lazy French restaurateur that he’s a filthy pig while flecks of spit fly out of his mouth onto said Frenchman. Gordo is a right geezah IMO.

Fuck My Kitchen Rules.


Another victim of Australian television programming executives slight mental retardation is the Reality TV genre in itself. Aussie’s just can’t make reality TV for shit. I mean how many effin’ singing / talent shows do we need? There was Australian Idol, X-Factor, Australia’s Got Talent and now the latest iteration – The Voice. The only way I’d enjoy that nonsense was if Seal lost his shit on PCP and tried to give Delta Goodrim a kiss on her rose while Joel Madden sat with his chair turned around jackin’ it and eating a bucket of KFC chicken. It’s just the same tired format over and over again.

And has anybody seen this new Celebrity Splash excrement hosted by Larry Emdur where a bunch of C-grade celebs dive off a platform of varying heights? Old Lazza must’ve slyly touched the Seven Network CEO’s wife on her no-no spot to get stuck with hosting duties on that stinker. Here’s an idea, how bout they amalgamate that show with The Biggest Loser and get a bunch of morbidly obese people jumping off diving boards? That’d be good for a hoot.

Channel Nine even tried to revive the lifeless Big Brother last year after it got axed on Channel Ten ages ago due to how absolutely shite it was. You would think that bringing a show back years later on a different channel they’d breathe new life into it and throw some violent ex-mental patients into the house off their balls on psychedelic substances and then put them through their paces with a series of emotionally scarring challenges. But no, it was just the same cruddy format as when it failed last time and bored people ‘til their rectums bled. Most Australian’s just aren’t much fun to watch unfortunately, all they do is sit around whining about mindless crap and having deep and meaningful chats after a few beers. Fuckin losers.

At least we can be thankful for how much COPS Channel Ten serves up. COPS is the first ever reality TV show, the original fly on the wall tv fix and there’s nothing better than sitting in your boxer shorts eating popcorn while watching another human being’s rights getting violated. Although the one thing that always annoys me with COPS is how much the less than intelligent criminals tell the Police. I mean the cops even advise them while they’re getting busted that anything that comes out of their stupid traps will be used to bend them over and sodomise them in court. Yet they persist in telling the po-po every last detail, totally fooled into believing it’s in their best interests by the less than honest Police Sergeant who’s suddenly their best mate and confidant.

You’d think being an A1 crackhead that you’d know the first rule is you never talk to the cops! “Is this your crystal methamphetamine that I found in the glove compartment sir?” “Ask my lawyer PIG!”…Sheesh it’s not hard.

Is anybody else tired of having their most majestic and precious of boxes raped by media muppets and spastic viewers?