Recently I was visiting my previous home town of Brisbane and was catching up with a few friends over a drink at a nite club. We were standing outside on the balcony having a cigarette when a fairly attractive brunette came over and pretty rudely demanded a cigarette off me. To be fair, I love bitches like this. Being the exceptional motherfucker I am, beauty doesn’t impress me one bit. Beauty is common, I see stunning women everywhere. Women who expect me to bend over backwards and lick my arsehole clean before rimming theirs a sparkly pink just because they are beautiful are always good for a giggle in my books.
So I said to this moll (who was let’s face it, a 6½-7 at best so why she had such a sense of entitlement about her is beyond me) “Excuse me? If you want something than you’d better ask a bit more fuckin politely than so rudely demanding a cigarette off me. Ever hear of the word please sweetheart?” I then lecture her about manners and not expecting strangers to jump at her behest. My mates (both male and female) are struggling not to laugh; they’ve seen me run these exercises before. They know I don’t need much of an excuse to get up in someone’s ass and then play tug of war with their sphincter until an anal prolapse occurs.
In the middle of my diatribe, this slip of a girl interrupts me even more rudely then the first time and contemptuously ejaculates “So are you gonna give me a fuckin cigarette or not?”, obviously weary of my lecture. My friends may as well have sat down with a box of popcorn at this point and settled in for the mid-flight entertainment. They knew that this snotty little wench had just grabbed onto a lightning rod while a shit storm was about to rain down upon her like she’d probably never experienced before in a public venue.
I looked this girl dead in the eyes and said “Nope.”
Her eyes started to spin around in her little head and you could almost see sparks fly out of her brain as it fails to comprehend what has just happened. I can tell that the last fifty times she’s asked a man for a cigarette at a nite club or a bar she hasn’t faced this kind of opposition or difficulty in her mission to smoke O.P brand. They’ve always just said “sure love” and handed one over, despite her being less than polite when asking for one and just expecting it will be so. All because she was fuckable.
“No?” she echoes incredulously. “No, you can’t have one.” I say. “You come over here and interrupt my conversation rudely demanding something off me without saying please or being polite and just expect me to do you a favour. I don’t know you and I don’t owe you, so until you manage to have a civil tongue in your head and ask me politely than I’m not giving you shit.”
I glance over at my friend Cosmo who has a diabolical grin on his face and who I can tell is quite enjoying this. In fact I’m sure I detected a slight patch of moisture on the front of his jeans as a little bit of wee comes out.
At this point, all of the bravado and sense of entitlement has left this bird. It was like watching a balloon with a small hole in it slowly deflate. She gets nervous and starts pretending like she has cigarettes there somewhere but can’t find them and starts awkwardly pawing through her handbag as if searching for them. I decide to tease her some more and say “Oh so that’s even worse, you’ve got cigarettes and here you are scumming mine!” knowing full well she never had cigarettes and is just trying to disguise her embarrassment at being served in front of a bunch of strangers.
Finally the penny drops and you can see the look of defeat in her eyes. She must’ve been positively dying for a smoke as rather than skulking away with her tail between her legs she acquiesces and says “I’m really sorry sir for being rude to you, may I please have a cigarette?”. It sort of reminded me of the orphan in Oliver Twist with the “please sir can I have some more” bit. With a shit eating grin on my face like a man who’s eating pussy for dinner I say “Mais oui, of course darling, of course you can have a cigarette” and proffer her one. Class dismissed motherfucker.
Now of course I could’ve been a real prick and not given her one after all that, but that would’ve defied the point of the exercise. I wanted her to work for it and ask politely, humans being much like dogs you need to reward them when they do good so that they learn haha.
Now while she was an adult and responsible for her own actions, I don’t really place much blame on her for the way she carried on. You know who I blame? Men! Spineless, think with their dicks men. This poor girl has been conditioned over many years to believe she can get away with this kind of behaviour because of men. They’ve given into her demands and licked her ass to try and slime their way into her pantaloons and firmly embedded the understanding in her mind that she can be a malignant cunt and still get what she wants because she’s attractive.
I don’t subscribe to that kind of nonsense and neither should any man reading this. Beautiful women are the same as everyone else, they have flaws, they have insecurities, they take a shit in the toilet once a day – sometimes twice. They shouldn’t be privileged just because they look nice to have sexy time with, they should be held accountable to the same standards as everyone else. There’s plenty of beautiful women who don’t carry on like that – and those are the kind of women that impress me.
So guys, next time a woman acts with a sense of entitlement or treats you like a piece of shit because she’s attractive, don’t blame her. Blame the hundreds of men that came before you who propagated that behaviour by being impressed with beauty on the outside – rather than beauty on the inside.